Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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