I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
