i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
