remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
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