Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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