i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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