I accidentally had phone sex last night
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
