apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
