I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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