The maid of honor just puked.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
