if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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