Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
