farters have to be the big spoon...
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
