my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
