9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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