if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
