I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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