WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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