I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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