I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
