Three words: puerto rican gang bang
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
