watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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