If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
