Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
