is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
