Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
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