You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
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