Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
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