my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
