McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Oh god it's open bar.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
