So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
