he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
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