So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
