I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize