guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
