the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
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