shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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