another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
