I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
