My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I forget how to act sober
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
