Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
