I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
