If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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