oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
