Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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