Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Randomize
