Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
