so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
