well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
