The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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