Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
either way he was missing a nipple.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
