nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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