i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
