If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
