How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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