Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
