Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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