you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
