He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
