why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
