i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Randomize
