good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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