i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
