her vagine was all disorganized.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
We just shotgunned beers for America
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
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