My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
