Got a toothbrush?
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
